


masks

by dulldork



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: I'm really sorry, i'm going to self-project onto him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-09
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-11-28 22:48:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11427861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dulldork/pseuds/dulldork
Summary: Lots of people have masks. The problem is he can't quite remember how to take his off.





	masks

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING!!! THIS CONTAINS THE FOLLOWING:  
> -many mentions of 'masks' and persona  
> -heart breaking stuff according to my friend  
> -very angsty???

_**one** _

He wears a mask.

 

No one can tell what his mask looks like, only that it is there. They don't know how strong it is, why it's there, or what it means.

His mask is something apart of him now. Something he's had for a while. He puts up a front; intelligent yet oblivious-outgoing yet reserved. His mask is something meant to confuse others when trying figure him out, to the point they won't realize the mask is even there. 

But his mask has started to confuse him now.

 

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_**two** _

He remembers when he could take it off so easily; confess his sins, let it all out as soon as he was alone. When did that all stop? When did he stop seeing _himself_ when he looked in the mirror? When was the last time he was actually _him?_

He doesn't know.

 

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

**_three_ **

His mask is something branded onto him, melted into his life, something that can only truly be gone if he is torn apart and burned until the mask is gone. Something that he takes comfort in having, but is slowly breaking from it.

He believes that there is a difference between having a permanent mask and just having your personality evolve; despite what his experiences with people have made it seem.

A mask means that there is a real personality somewhere. It's just hiding.

He also believes his mask has hidden himself too well.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

**_four_ **

His mask has a line of defense-every mask does, no matter how little-but his-it's definitely something.

He has built up mental barriers so strong no person has ever seen who he really was in while. Including himself. He grasps at the memories, so small and fleeting, of times when he wasn't hiding everything. When he was happy. When he was himself. When he wasn't aware of reality. Yes the world is a wonderful place; but it certainly has many horrors. But he also knows those barriers will come down eventually. Because every barrier has a weak stone.

He just waiting for his to break.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_**five** _

He fears the time when his mask disappears.

He knows it is likely to happen, but he is worried. Worried for whoever will experience it. On the day his barriers will fall, reduced to ashes, he will fall as well. Because when his barriers fall, his emotions will flood out consuming and destroying everything in its path. His emotion will be so raw that it will be flooding and burning him, and when it is all done-he will be vulnerable. Vulnerable to the world and it's reality.

 

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_**six** _

Despite his fear of losing his mask, he so desperately wants it gone. He knows that one day his mask is going to either disappear or cause him to snap. The sad thing is, he knows it will be the latter. He is waiting for the day when someone says something for him to just laugh at it. Laugh at how ridiculous the world has become. Laugh at his life. He desperately doesn't want that to happen, but he can feel it. Everytime he looks in a mirror and realizes how much the world doesn't know about him, how each moment he is forced to keep a mold, with every question about why he is as he is-it's bending him.

But he isn't bendy enough for that. He is a rubber band, and when he snaps, everyone involved will be hurt. And he so desperately wants to avoid that.

 

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

 

_**seven** _

He realizes that most people don't understand masks truly.

Most people don't realize what it means to have a mask, to hide himself from the world. 'Coward' 'pitiful' are words sometimes used to describe masks, or the people that wear them. But masks are also a way out. A way to secure yourself in a safe house, away from reality. A promise that the user isn't in danger from their inner turmoil and secrets being let out, because no one suspects you of them.

He enjoys that security very much.

 

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_**eight** _

He isn't blind.

He sees the shattered looks that Alexander sports to class everyday. He picks up on the broken smiles that Lafayette wears to match their dress. He hears the silent screams of pain James is hiding from the rest of them. He notices the haunted eyes of Eliza, that hold so much sorrow from her past. He is aware of how Thomas is stretching out his sanity past it's limit. He knows that beyond John's bright smiles and clever jokes that he wears a mask similar to his; only that John's mask doesn't have as much of a hold on him as his. He knows that they are all waiting for the day they will all eventually be gone from this earth, or free of life's pressure. He knows he isn't the only one suffering. Oh _god_ - _he knows-_ but that doesn't make anything any better.

 

 ~~~~~~~~~~

 

_**nine** _

He is very tired.

That is perhaps the most simplest thing he knows. Whenever anyone asks 'How are you feeling?' he'd say 'Tired'. Because it's true. He is tired of having to worry about student loans or getting A's. He is tired of worrying if he is going to get arrested because of the color of his skin. He is tired of waiting for someone from his past to come back. He is tired of hiding from reality. He tired with the mental strain he holds at every moment. So when people ask 'why?' he says;

'Oh, I didn't get much sleep last night.'

 

 ~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_**ten** _

 

Looking at himself in the mirror he cracked a smile. He was so proud of himself, how he could actually do that now, compared to years back when he would break down sobbing. He remembers his sisters wide eyes with he asked 'Why does it hurt to smile?' on a late night. He looks at himself while he cleans his face at the end of the day. He continues thinking about that moment, about how his past-self thought. It sparks something in him-and at first he can't tell what it is. Remorse? Sadness? Guilt? Something snapped in his mind. He begins to laugh, the noise echoing in his empty dorm.

James was out for the night, at Thomas's he believed. (Good, he thought, they need to spend time together.) He imajined the shock of anyone who knew him briefly to see him like this; doubled over, laughing his soul out. They'd probably ask if he was high or needed to go to a doctor.

Once he finally got ahold of himself he checked the time. _12:31._ He should be going to sleep soon, as he had a test the next morning. Giving his reflection one last grin he exited the bathroom. When he had laid down in his bed he had one thought in his mind:

 

_'Good job Aaron, you made through today.'_

 

Aaron Burr had a mask, and it was one that was going to destroy him or save him. Nobody's figured out which yet.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I actually wrote so much better and then my internet cut out and it didn't save. So thanks for the panic attack universe.
> 
> Post writing: This is mainly self projection and not meant to generalize anything!!! I really hate when people generalize very personal things, so this is MY opinion on the topic, based largely on personal experience.


End file.
